Why It’s Okay to Feel like You’ve Failed

I bet you can think of a time that you failed…

Maybe a lot of times, if you are like most of us…

Do you ever avoid thinking about it because it makes you feel yucky?

It’s uncomfortable to face our failures, right?

Yet, they are such a part of life that if we avoid processing our failures, we are bound to be carrying a lot of them.

If not dealt with properly, those failures can take a toll on your self-esteem and your future performance…

Recently, I was doing some mindset work and I realized a couple of failures were holding me back. I did an inventory of the last few jobs I had before becoming a coach to examine where I felt I had failed.

See, there were a couple of situations that had always stuck in my craw…

I still felt bad years later.

And, I didn’t want to carry that around anymore.

How to let it go though?

I took three steps…

First, I started by examining the data. I wrote down everything I could remember about these situations — the good parts and those that were uncomfortable.

The data approach helps me see more clearly. We can easily make up a more negative story in our head because our brains are negatively biased.

We are wired to remember the bad stuff and forget the positive…

Once I wrote it all out I noticed that there had been a lot of positives and some real wins amongst the challenges. I decided that this was probably like many people’s work experience: some stuff goes really well and some stuff doesn’t.

Then, the second step was to talk about failure with a friend of mine…

We worked together early in my career and have become best friends since. She has a good outside perspective of my career.

And, I do of hers. She also told me where she felt she failed in her career. For her, it was all at one job. And, knowing how successful she had been everywhere else, it was clear to me that she had failed where the team was the least functional. It was the team dynamics, not her capabilities…

In this step, we can look to see what our part was in the failure.

And, what was not our part…

There are external factors beyond our control like changes in the marketplace, pandemics and recessions.

And, there are cultural influences in every job…

We can only be as successful as the team sets us up to be.

This has been proven in studies but the best example I have seen is when I used to work with adventure racers…

Adventure races were week-long events involving teams traveling up to 600 treacherous miles trail running, mountain biking, kayaking, and rappelling through extreme conditions. These racers would be exhausted and sleep deprived throughout the whole race.

They would often be operating on 2 hours of sleep per night.

Things went wrong…

All the time.

The key was that the team had to stay together so they could only go as fast as the slowest person…

The race was won or lost on how well the team worked together. Not necessarily who were the best athletes.

The whole team could be taken down by something as small as a blister…

Sometimes the one with the most strength would tow the person who had just reached their limit. They all watched out for each other. They encouraged each other. They noticed when someone was flagging and they all rested.

That’s what strong teams do…

They watch out for each other. And, they give each other a boost when they need it.

If you have had a failure while on a team that wasn’t working together well, it’s important to determine what was your failure and what was team failure so that you don’t take it all on as your own…

The third step is to appreciate your failures.

My friend sagely reminded me that if you aren’t failing, you aren’t taking enough risk…

This brings us to another facet of failure.

That we need it…

We have to take risks to grow. With risk will come failure.

And, the higher up we are in our leadership roles, the more impact and visibility our failures have…

This can add up to feeling like we are a failure later in our career while everything seemed to be going perfectly when we were younger.

The danger is that our fear of failure can keep us from taking worthwhile risks. We have to keep on taking risks because they fuel our success…

Sure, there are certain ways that we want to go about taking risks. We want to take calculated risks and protect our downside.

But, risk is essential to our learning…

In fact, I was talking to a CEO for the Girl Scouts and she told me that they say FAIL stands for First Attempt In Learning.

I would add that it may be a 2nd, 3rd or even 4th attempt.

And, that we should also think about how important it can be to stick it out…

James Dyson famously failed 5,126 times before he got his vacuum cleaner just right. He gives us a marvelous example of someone who embraces failure as learning.

Through this process, I was able to look back more objectively and see that I had some failures but that they taught me valuable lessons in communication, building trust and corporate politics. These areas then became my strengths and I used them to have more success moving forward.

Without those experiences, I would be a less valuable coach today…

Were they fun? Nope.

But, these failures were a gift because they made me see the world in a different way. Sometimes, it takes a big shock before we can learn a big lesson.

I see this all the time. It’s always after the scary times that the most growth happens…

This has been a troublesome year for all of my clients. Failure is always a part of life but wow, this year has been a time when most everyone has had to face it head on.

I’m also seeing this is a time for tremendous growth. Those with the most focus on growth are faring the best…

When failure comes, sometimes all we can do is to turn towards the rising sun and face a new day.

Learn from it and let it go…

This is how we grow, how we get stronger.

And, know that you are not alone…

Everyone feels like they have failed. Little failures and big failures. We all have them.

If you are feeling alone in your failure, call a friend and ask them about theirs. I guarantee that if they are being honest with themselves and you, they will have some to share.

You are either succeeding or you are learning. And, learning is an essential element in achieving success.